This morning I am sitting in the bask of sunlight at the kitchen table. There is the swish and tumble of the laundry room going (always seem to have laundry to do), but the rest of the house is quiet... Except for my tapping on the keyboard.
I love this time of morning... Before anyone is up and demanding anything from me. Time for me to gather my thoughts for the day, pick a path to walk, determine my attitudes. I long for the feeling I get from this portion of my day to last just a little longer.
I struggle with knowing peace. I am a whirligig of mental activity at almost all times. As I have gotten older, I have more and more difficulty shutting down that part of my mind that races over each problem or scenario I am dealing with on a daily basis. To the point that I cannot sleep, or I wake with the issues spinning me into a state of utter panic. I cannot do that anymore!
As a Bucket List item, this one truly eludes me. How does one know peace? I am a Christian. Of course, all you Christians out there know this means nothing more than I know I need a saviour and that I am a desperately flawed individual. I know, however, in my heart of hearts that God has it handled. Why on earth can I not trust that fact and sleep at night?
Because in this uncertain world, it is terribly hard to realize that all of it is out of my control. I budget, I plan, I cultivate, I pray, I work hard, then harder still... Despite all of it, my will is not the will I seek to please. I seek to please another will and therein lies the rub. If I seek to please my Lord, I have to trust Him with the outcome. So at the crux of the matter, I don't trust well.
I could over analyze this to the end of time. I don't trust because... But really, it boils down to I want control. I want to know the answers and the paths before I am on them or in them and I want to know how it will all turn out - for me! Reality hits... I am not the one that gets to have the control and trying only makes me the un-peaceful person that I have settled into.
I have and will continue to try to eradicate this attitude, but before I die, I want to truly know peace. I want to sit quietly before my God and have that wonderful peace wash over me and cuddle me in folds of downy softness. To know the peace a child knows when they crawl into the lap of their father and lay their head on his chest. I want it to be that pure, that trusting, that simple.
I want to truly know peace.