Thursday, December 31, 2009

Ah, do you remember when...

I hate New Years Resolutions.  Not because I can't list.  I think all of us know I can.  I hate New Years Resolutions because I think we set ourselves up for failure and then peruse our list to flog ourselves about how we didn't loose the weight, the excercise routine only lasted a mere 3 days, and we did NOT keep the laundry room clean!  I have but one "Resolution" this year and it is simple.

I resolve to flow.

(Hubby would grin and shake his head at the "hippy-ness" of that statement.)

I resolve to live in the moment more, enjoy what I have more, strive less and flow.

Do you remember the flow?  That blissful place you were, long about 11 or 12 years old, before puberty and yet after awareness set in about how weird your parents were, freaking out over parties and how clean the house was or wasn't...  Remember flow?  I do.  I want it back.  I resolve to pursue my flow.

I will flow into my creativeness in my card room.  I will flow into my job as a wife, business owner, partner and client confidant.  I will flow more.  I will.

So there it is...  My one "non-resolution", if you will.  I am going to go with the flow!

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Tis the season...

There are certain times of year that just stick with you.  From childhood on, good or bad, they become this thing you deal with for the rest of your life.  Fortunately for me, my experiences with Christmas have by and large been good ones and I enjoy the season.  I love the smells and the fellowship, the cheer and the drinks, the presents under a tree decorated to bending under the weight...

MR GRISWOLDImage by Zellaby via Flickr
I seem to over schedule this time of year more than most. The Client Christmas party is before the actual holiday, and I love the preparations.  I love putting together the baskets, making the small items and finding incredible deals that help us make it special and individualized...  This year I even made carmel corn for the first time! I love all the parties and the folks you get to see.  I love the "holiday cheer" served up in shiny crystal glasses and the sound of laughter and chatter and conversations all around the house.  I love driving to Dad's and watching his latest light show and all the different music he uses...  (We refer to Dad as "Sparky" from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.)  And speaking of Christmas Vacation, this was the year I finally purchased the movie to watch as a family and we all laughed and laughed and laughed.  The kids are finally old enough to know not to repeat the rather colorful language... ("Shitter's Full!" OMG! I love that movie!!!)

As I sit and type this out, Hubby is putting together Boy's new bed that we are hoping will afford him much more room, despite the rather large lizard cage he has to contend with.  There isn't any cussing yet, and there has been lots of child helping, so I will stay out of the room.  Makes being married much easier.  After a bowl of chili I will retire to the bath while he assembles Girl's bed (which she has grand plans to paint lime green...).  Maybe I will even make it into the massage chair - My neck is crying out to me that it is a necessity, not a luxury...

I truly hope that all of you had a wonderful Christmas season.  The New Year looms and I have no illusions of setting any lifelong goals to have fizzle out and frustrate me.  Hubby will be traveling to another horse show on the 31st, so no party this year... Maybe next.

I hope to be back to blogging my regular posts very soon.  I miss it.  Cathartic...  Revealing...  Ethereal...  Bliss.
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Saturday, December 19, 2009

It's been a while...

You know when life sneaks up on you and you just can't seem to find your proverbial butt with both hands???? Well, no big shock - It has happened to me!

For the last month I have been literally running from one business to the other, not able to figure out what has changed and what has made my schedule a thing of the distant past. I am slowly coming out of a desperate dash into the Christmas season, but I have to say - Still no light at the end of the tunnel. (I am a bit of an optimist. I keep hoping the light isn't that far away, just a twist in the tunnel and I will be out of this in no time!)

I have had some very lovely travels in my sojourn, of late. I was able to spend the first Thanksgiving in maybe 10 years with Hubby and our little family. We simply packed up my lovely Ford Edge and headed south to Oklahoma City. If the darned show schedule won't cooperate, join the silliness and be flexible!!!! (I hate to inform family members here at home, but we had so much fun, we may just make it tradition!) I returned to OKC for the big Finals weekend that has become tradition the following week. After two more days with Hubby, I lit out for Louisiana to see my precious niece. What a joy!!!!!!

All this travel was a little harrying in that I had to rely on others to be here at home and do what I normally do... Well, some of what I do. And it is a very difficult thing for a control freak to do. I literally had to duck my head and ignore a lot of things so that I could just get through. I didn't want to miss out on the plans I had, because those too were very good things. I know my obsessive personality was stretched and I thank those that helped me get a grip! I need to learn to trust more that those I have set in place to help are so very capable... that is why I chose them!

Tonight is the big client Christmas Party and I am almost ready. I am burning off Christmas music to have playing while we all enjoy each other... Thus the splinter in time that I can log in and update my poor list of readers... I thank you for not deserting me as I wandered off into oblivion for a time... Hang in there! I am hoping to be back soon. Maybe. Sort of.
Merry Merry!

Monday, November 30, 2009

I can't live without my camera (Even if it is P&S)

A Casio point & shoot cameraImage via Wikipedia

(Yeah, yeah, yeah... We have heard it all before, Stacey... You want a new camera. Blah, blah, blah! )

Seems a bit ridiculous that my new phone has a better camera on it than my actual camera, though. The camera is a 3.0 pixel and the phone camera is 5.0 - Ironic isn't it?

Regardless, I still love taking pictures and sharing them. I love making the yearly calendar that chronicles our clients and the horses they have. It shows them how well they have done from year to year and serves as a marker for times (and horses) gone by. Pictures often make me smile. They can make me wistful, lonely, sad, ecstatic, longingly envious... Pictures evoke in me myriad emotions that words don't.

Thus, I love cameras. I would be terribly in over my head with the newest professional get-up, although I covet and slobber over them. So I am very likely to just upgrade to a better point and shoot. (gasp! Did she really SAY that???) I simply don't have time for another hobby.

I love my camera for the pictures it provided to chronicle my kids' growth. I love my camera for capturing moments in time I often forget about but can revisit whenever... I love my camera for zooming in to cut out the mess that is my home on a regular basis. I love my camera for the times it has brought me joy, as in this blog. I love that my camera will now capture the images of my beautiful new niece so that I may annoy countless hundreds with her ethereal guise!

I simply couldn't live with out my camera!

It's a sickness... I need serious help!

OREM, UT -  NOVEMBER 5: Motorola's new Droid s...Image by Getty Images via Daylife

If you follow my Twitter posts, you know I went and got it. I couldn't help it. I had a friend who needed my help getting hers, and even though I knew it wasn't healthy for me to go along, her need for techy help swayed me into the Verizon store...

(Cue spotlight and ethereal music) There it was... Illuminated and ready for touching. (I had hand sanitizer so the myriad fingerprints on the little sample screen would not deter me!) My friend asked all the right questions, we played, we touched, we ooohed and we ahhhed... She bought. I felt "spent" - Yes, that kind of "spent". I told you, it is a sickness...

That was on a Sunday. By Tuesday, I was back in the Verizon store to investigate a way I could walk out with the ultimate in shiny phones...

A Droid! A Motorola, shiny, slick, slightly heavy and definitely clunkier than an iPhone, but as close as I will get for years, Droid!

I have played, I have downloaded apps, I have logged on to wireless, I have done it all! I have called customer support, I have set up my home screen, I have set up all the wonderfulness that is this phone...

I know there are those who would scoff at such a purchase. I don't care. I am deep in my addiction and I am one happy camper!

Have I told you lately I love my phone?

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Sunday, November 22, 2009

My phone is a life line... And a sickness.

2009-04-01 Nokia E71, Blackberry, iPhone 3G__002Image by scottpowerz via Flickr

Hello, my name is Stacey (all intone, Hello Stacey...). I have a Crackberry Blackberry and I can't put it down!

We all know I am a Techy. Love new technology. I am a pariah in my own home! An example: Just recently, I employed a new remote for the myriad of electrical devices I we have in the living room. I actually purchased said remote two years ago in hopes of putting to bed the four remotes Hubby insisted on using for each item. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to find the remote clicker, much less trying to find FOUR of them. The first "launch" went miserably! Even frustrated myself! But two years later when the kindergarten simple remote's channel up button went bad, I refused to spend another $20 on a new one, since I had one that cost over $100 in a drawer just begging to be of use! I got it out, learned it's ins and outs, and put it into action... I still find them using 4 remotes! And none of them well! They resist new things and the remote takes a bit of time to learn. I have been called into the living room on many occasions to "FIX IT!" I guess I will smile and call that job security! But I digress...

When it comes to my phone, I just love the newest and the most innovative. I have a Blackberry and couldn't be happier... Ahem. I think my nose just grew! I AM happy with my phone... For now. (Since I have to wait until January for the newest one.) I love to text, send video, pictures, play games and listen to music - and all of these things I can do from my phone! I can keep in touch with Hubby, my kids, my mother, my dad, get strange texts from my Uncle (everyone has an Uncle Bob). I can check the weather, find a sushi bar, book a flight, get driving directions... All from the tee-tiny keyboard on my Crackberry. Aptly nick-named, as I can't seem to be anywhere without it and touching it just makes everything better! (An aside: Hubby cannot even answer my phone. Has no clue which button to push and usually hits 3 or 4 of them with his cute sausage-like fingers in the process!)

Since the hullabaloo about the iPhone possibly moving to Verizon - We all know that was a lie! - I have been waiting to see what the Tech-horizon has in store for me. I have been very happy with my Blackberry. I have a lot of things on there that I just love using - Programs you can't get anymore.... And it will be an adjustment to get a new phone. But you know me well! It is an adjustment I am willing to make! I cannot live without my cell phone!
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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Isn't Vodka like breathing?

Vodka CocktailImage by necopunch via Flickr

Yes, we all know it. I am a Vodka hound. I love martinis. I love the dirty kind, the sweetie kind, the fruity kind... I love Bloody Marys, Screwdrivers, White Russians, Black Russians, Colorado Bull Dogs, Vodka Collins, Vodka Tonic... I love me a good old fashioned vodka cocktail!

I have had trysts with other alcohols.... Tequila: Little feller makes me all shaky the next morning. All I wanted was a Margarita, not to feel like a recovering Meth addict! Wine: Now THAT is a headache! Doesn't matter, white, red or champagne (although reds give me the headache BEFORE the buzz - How can THAT be right??), I get a monstrous headache! Rum: Meh... Just a nonstarter. I can handle it, but unless I get the coconut flavored kind in Pineapple/Orange juice, I really don't see the point! My stint with Liqueurs failed big time when I poured out curdled Bailey's and Cream over ice... Not happening!

Nope, I'm a Vodka girl! Not a vodka snob... I have no real "brand" I stick to. Although, with my gluten intolerance, I tend to stay away from Absolute... There is something in there that just doesn't compute! I cheap out on vodka for sweet mixes and Bloody Marys. Greatest advice I have gotten from a bartender friend of mine: If you are mixing it, no need to shell out the big bucks. Now in a good Dirty Martini? Spend, spend, spend! The smoother the better. I am not a huge fan of the Goose, but she will do in a pinch. I prefer a Ketel of the stuff! I like the new coolio Grape distillates, but that did give me a headache worse than the cheap stuff....

I am an inventor. I love to dream stuff up to put in the shaker. I love going to the local martini bar and then duplicating at home those concoctions that don't have to cost me $15 a glass! That would be where I got the Screamin' Grape Ape! And sista! She screams!

Lest you are concerned: I don't drink all the time. In fact, I rarely drink. (Thank you empty-calorie weight gain and colon polyps!) But when I do, I reach for the vodka bottle! "What can I make with this?" And the possibilities are endless!

C'mon over! I'll pour us a "yummy" outta the shaker... Because I cannot live without Vodka!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Missing: One Hullabaloo - Irreplaceable!

It is that time of year again... The time when Hubby goes a wandering all about the US in search of success. I love Hubby, I hate missing anyone this much!

Hub is gone for 3 weeks and 4 days... And in that time I plan on visiting him for Thanksgiving (praying weather cooperates), and flying down with Number One Assistant Rider Girl to watch the Finals. Once I am done with all the horsey oohs and aahs, I hop a flight at some ridiculously early hour to pop in on sis!
Because my neice is finally arrived!!!! Meet Alexis Elaine! Another fellow Princess in a long line of Princesses! She already has many loyal subjects and will no doubt be accepting an audience long into her sweet little life! Try not to fall over in worship - Yes, I am gushing and I don't care!
I have so much to be thankful for! I will soon be finishing the "I cannot live without..." Series and will hopefully find some kind of rythm again. Blogging has had to take a back seat to life, I fear. But it is my hope that I can get back to it.
Thank you for celebrating with me! TTFN!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Simple Things...

Christina is at it again... She must have radar that senses when I need to be reminded that the simple things are God's way of soothing my soul and calming my harried spirits! Thank you muches, Girl!

Simple things that make my heart smile - Right out loud!

~Hugs. From Hubby, Girl, Boy or my bestest bud... Delish!
~The smell of Orange Oil. Miss you, Grandpa!
~Lunch with someone I love.
~Flank steak and Poblano Peppers. Whoa!
~Hubby's arm around me and smiling into my eyes - Absolute euphoria!
~Pogo's warm body on the bed while I sleep without Hubby.
~Just enough to be grateful for, not enough to take for granted...
~Buying a little gift here and there to let someone know I recognize who they are and I love them anyway!
~My card room, the apex of my creativity!
~A hot cup of coffee in the wee hours
~Gas in the car and time to visit on the Holidays
~Texts from my siblings
~The green smell of potted tomato plants still producing fruit!
~Gluten Free Banana muffins that aren't dry or powdery
~Knowing that God isn't missing - I just have to open the door to the Living Room!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I cannot live without my oils!

Now, lest you think me a painter or maybe a foodie, let's get one thing straight... I am perspectively challenged - Thus no painting. And if I cannot put it together inside 30 minutes, I rarely cook it!

No, the oils I am talking about are of the Essential ilk (Hi Liz!).

I took a Level One Aromatherapist course a couple of years back after I was introduced to the wonderful world of essential oils by a gal who gave me the most amazing massages. I started slowly... Then lept in with both feet! As per my usual modus operandi!

I have two lovely cases full of EO's that I simply cannot leave alone! I like to make my own blends using a book I have and looking up what I want to accomplish. A drop here, a little carrier oil there... It is incredibly interesting.

I was always driven by smells, even as a small child. I love certain smells and they remind me of happy times. I also have studied enough to realize that God has made an incredible machine in the human body that can be healed and rejuvenated in so many different ways. I have a tendancy to think that in this world of sterlility and chlorox and anti-germ gels that we have gotten away from some of the most natural mood and health enhancers - FLOWERS!

Then there is also the medicinal level of oils... Since I have certain health issues that I tend to neglect with modern meds, I use quite a few EO's to subsidize my lifestyle... I don't like the way traditional medicine deals with my athsma... So I use a Ravensara blend that helps me cope with short breath and opens my bronchial passages naturally without turning me into something akin to a withdrawing crack addict! When my kids get car sick, I have these little portable diffusers that I put Peppermint oil in and that usually helps them keep their lunch in their tummies and off of my leather seats... During a bath I use German Chammomile and Lavender for the ultimate in relaxation. Orange oil makes me smile and feel child like because it reminds me so much of my Grandfather.

I don't usually smell like anything as I am sensitive to others who may have issues with smells. For me, I love them - well, most of them! I would freak out if I didn't have my Essential Oils!

Friday, November 6, 2009

An award... I'd like to thank - McG!

Ain't that somethin? McG (aka: Ali) has bestowed upon me an award with some pretty stringent guidlines... I'm no good at guidelines, and she knows this! But I will try. I'm supposed to reveal 10 things about myself that you might not already know (lil difficult after the 30 secrets...) and then pass this lovely award onto 10 bloggers - That is the hard part!


Thing 1: I cry at commercials. Not all of them and not for the same reasons that Hubby throws things at the TV... I can be absolutely moved to tears over commercials providing it is the right time of the month. Ahem! The ones where a soldier is coming home, a baby doing this or that, pet shelter commercials...

Thing 2: I can make myself grumpy with just thoughts about a particular person/situation. This is part of my Grudgy Greta persona, and none too attractive! Nothing new has to happen, no fresh slight or insult... Just dredging up the past. Lovely, huh?

Thing 3: I can't stand it when people aren't easily readable. This is a bit hard to explain. I really like people. I like meeting new ones, loving old ones, chatting and generally enjoying company. I get seriously wigged out when I cannot discern how someone is reacting to me or whatnot. I don't like not being able to read someone because it so rarely happens to me. When it does, I wonder what is up with that person... Makes me squeamish!

Thing 4: I smile right out loud when someone comments on my blog! I think that is so extremely cool! Makes me feel like I might someday be a real writer!

Thing 5: I'm absolutely in love with my new dog, Pogo. I whisper "I love you" in his soft little ears a lot and I relish the time he spends in my lap or right next to me. He makes me giggle and cracks me up when he paws at my hands while I am working at my computer. (Right now he is asleep by my side, patiently waiting until I am done tappy-tapping.)

Thing 6: I fall asleep on my couch by 8:30 each week night. Getting up at 5:30 to get Girl to school is hard on an old woman!

Thing 7: I often stare at my family when they aren't looking. I love watching them as if I didn't know them and assessing how wonderful and beautiful they are. I am very grateful that I have a healthy and handsome family that loves me back despite my craziness!

Thing 8: I am so excited to be an Auntie! My sister will be induced on Sunday if her labor doesn't progress (she's been having contractions for days now...) and I get to go see her and the new arrival in December... I simply cannot wait!!!

Thing 9: I am obsessed with clouds and sunrise/sets. In my part of the country the skies are pretty clear, so a blazing sunset or a rockin sunrise is unusual. I do get some amazing shots though when we have had some wind around here. The pinks are just amazing!

Thing 10: I am a Meme addict! I love them on my blog, I do the emails that chain around, I love conversing with others about what they like so that I can tell what I like and why I like it. Call me a narcissist of the first degree... Don't care! I love doing it to make others more comfortable about revealing themselves. I love to hear the different things that we all go through and how it affects us and how we tell it once we are asked...

On that note... Thank you Ali for making me reveal just a little bit more behind the curtain!

There is only one blogger I can think to tag: Fragrant Muse... You are IT!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Without my friends and family - It just wouldn't be worth it!

There are few things in this world that make me smile more, cry more, worry more, love more, be more, than my family and my friends.

I absolutely love each and every one of them! Those that are my family know that no matter what, despite disagreements, regardless of political views or geography, call me in need and I will be there just as soon as I possibly can. That is what family does... Plain and simple. No reservations or invitations needed, you can expect me on the doorstep with an appropriate treat (be it cake, soup or vodka) to while away the hours, heal wounds, throw darts, brew healing tea or just listen... It is the heart of who I am. Wouldn't change a thing!
For my friends... Not much differs! I would drop whatever necessary to meet you for lunch, brew you a stellar cup of coffee in my kitchen of disarray, mix you a drink for all occasions, or simply wait and hug you while you cry it out.

I have few friends. I think that is normal. I have many aquaintances and those I am friendly with. I don't have many friends. I value friendship when it is real. When you don't have to worry if your house is clean before you open the front door. When you can know that what you tell her/him will stay in their head, without having to say, "Please don't tell anyone this..." Real friends don't judge you for who you are at your heart - They celebrate that! Real friends will tell you when you really are too old to wear that. Real friends will smack you and tell you your full of crap when you are. They will also love you for trying to fool yourself into believing it. Friends laugh with you and at you. Real friends hurt you, and then they say they are sorry. Real friendship can endure that. I love my real friends.

I cannot live without my family and friends!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Feels like a long time...

I am feeling a little lost amount the leaves this morning. I miss my blog! I have been so very busy with life and birthdays and parties and poker and businesses that I have not been here to visit with all of you. So I figured a random list of all the things that I have been doing and learning while I have been away would be in order for today.
  • I have learned that I get a lot more done when my desk is cleaned off. Funny that - Who knew? (Yeah, don't tell me!)
  • I have learned that Girl is just the best kid ever and taking time to spend with her on a "Girl Day" results in a comment made that I will take to my grave with a smile on my face... "I don't know why other kids don't like hanging out with their mom... I love you and think you are the best!" (Pan to mother in big puddle on floor...)
  • I have learned that Hubby is way more accommodating than I am when he is in a room full of folks.
  • I have learned that all my hard work does pay off, even when I don't see it right away.
  • I have learned to trust other folks to do as good a job as I aspire to, despite bad experiences to the contrary!
  • I have learned that God only gives me as much as I can handle, and when the time comes - I should escape and take a bubble bath without guilt that I'm not doing something else.
  • I have learned that God also isn't stingy with His provision. I will have just what I need, just in time.
  • I have learned that old trucks are cool to drive and GPS is invaluable.
  • I have learned that Boy just needs me to be here, even when it looks like he isn't paying any attention to me.
  • I have learned that Hubby loves me, even though and in spite of the fact that I am sometimes snotty.
  • I have learned that old friends feel so good and conversations can go on for a long time after you say goodbye when it's just comfortable.
  • I have learned that I am not comfortable with choosing a new horse just yet.
  • I have learned that a new remote can make all the difference for me and yet not be fully appreciated by the rest of the family.
  • I have learned to trust my own judgment on what my businesses need.
  • I have learned that my blog will still be here and the dust can be blown off any time I have a moment or a tidbit to say from it.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Saturday, October 17, 2009

What a wonderful day...

Do you ever just wake up and feel like maybe, just maybe, it will all work out just fine and all that crazy crying you did the other day seems so out of place?
Well, that is how I am feeling this fine morning. See, I have this issue. I suffer from terrible monthly mood swings. Yes, it is that kind of mood swing... I no longer have the messy physical symptom of that time (thank you modern medicine), but the hormonal craziness still plants itself firmly in my lap rather regularly.
Today, however, is a great day! The sun is shining (for a chick with S.A.D. that is paramount to a good mood), the breeze is crisp, and I am having folks over today that are truly my friends. Tonight we will converge on a wonderful Mexican restaurant for dinner and drinks and I am looking forward to feeling too full and blissfully tipsy. (I get to celebrate require that my birthday is at least a week long...)
I hope you too have a wonderful day! May the sun be shining in your part of the world and peace be filling your soul!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I would despair without Pen and Paper

Image of a modern fountain pen writing in curs...Image via Wikipedia

Isn't that just a hoot? Pen and Paper. Think about it - or maybe that kind of thought is just too frightening for most of us... But really, Pen and Paper are a pleasure I cannot fully comprehend.

You see, I love technology. I do. It feeds my soul in ways that I cannot get in any other way. I love the keys on my computer and how they feel all clicky and smooth beneath my fingertips. I love my phone, my GPS unit and all sundry other items that link me firmly to the 21st century.

But Pen and Paper... They are truly my secret love.

There simply is nothing like the feel of a good pen on new, crisp, white lined paper. I really relish new journals and the way the paper feels when the book is brand new. I love to feel the ink glide from the confines of my pen onto the pages, spilling with it my thoughts, my dreams and my innermost self. The way my handwriting either slides, glides, slips or flies onto the page is determined by many things. I can be feeling soft and contemplative, introspective or very fiery and angry and yet the feel of pen and paper in my hands calms me in ways that nothing else can.

I used to draw. Until I found other ways to be creative. Because, let's face it, drawing? Not my thing! Not in the way that writing feeds me. I type because it is faster and fuels my mind's tendency to race over multiple thoughts at once. But I think if I was more disciplined, I would write more. Use my hands more.

I love using fountain pens. My grandmother fueled that love early on in my writing career. She let me play with volumes of India ink and pens with something called "nibs". I thought it was wildly romantic to write with a fountain pen. Until I turned the insides of my fingers blue with a leaking pen one day and I realized that I would spend long minutes scrubbing the ink off of them before my date with Hubby (then Boyfriend).

Now I write with Pen and Paper when it is important. I sign all of our Christmas cards. I still hand write thank you cards. I absolutely cherish hand written letters and have secretly cursed the fact that I cannot seem to fully understand the Postcard chain that is going around Twitter... I think Spud is involved in it somehow... Postcrossing???? Something of the sort. Anywhoooo.

Despite the fact that I seldom use them, I would despair without Pen and Paper!
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Bone tired... But in a good way.

Yes, folks, I have been absent. This happens when life requires that we grow up and actually hit that real world to make a buck to, I don't know, pay the mortgage?

I have been terrified of what this week might mean for me. In the face of unknowns I tend to freak out a bit and run around with one foot firmly ensconced in cement, causing me to simply reel around the other appendage in a whirligig of activity, that surprisingly, gets me nowhere... Today was the end of that kind of activity.

Today, I gave my energy outlet and activity that brought in $1000. Pretty darned cool!

Never mind it was from slinging 50lb bags of feed and a literal (yes, 2000 lbs) ton of pelletized bedding. It was satisfying to meet my customers and to drive a big-boy truck and to have it all done my way. I got to fill up the gas tank. I got to plug the info and addresses into the GPS (I am still a girl after all!). I didn't get lost. I didn't hurt anything or run anything over. I was not a girly girl today. I was productive and muscle-ey and I did it all by myself. Well, sorta! I had company! I was "training" the gal and friend that will be doing the deliveries from next week on. It was nice and it was fruitful. It gave my fears no where to hide, and thusly they vanished!

I can do this!

So tonight, my back aches, my feet hurt and I am bone tired... In a VERY good way!

Monday, October 5, 2009

I would vanish without Hubby

OK. So this one is a blatant homage to my man. I don't apologize. It is true, mostly.

I cannot get along without Hubby. Besides the fact that he is my rock, the dude who pulls me out of the sludge of deep depression and the hunky best gift giver ever, he is also an incredibly handy dude.

This has come in very handy as of late. Today he worked on the feed delivery truck, had the tractor wheel torn apart, moved pallets of pelleted bedding around the ranch for me, picked up kids from the bus stop and even took enough time out to take me to sushi for lunch to cheer me up. That is a pretty incredible dude! Especially since heading to town is a 30 minute drive at best.

Hubby is an incredible dude. He is the best gift giver EVER! He has even done the unthinkable and purchased a woman's most elusive purchase... A handbag! And he did it very well! I used that purse until the "big bag" came back into style. Almost 3 years! Can you believe that???? A purse! He has also bought me dresses, coats, jackets, the most beautiful jewels and yes, even horse items - Once. I only had to say something once and I never saw another horse related item under the tree again. SCORE!

He is very logical. I love that. I am not logical. I am artistic. I am passionate. I am fiery. I am not logical. He is my emotional counterpart that tends to calm me in the midst of storms. He is yang to my yin. I don't see him lose his temper often. When I do, I react. But it isn't a usual happening. Unlike me who loses it on a regular basis. He isn't snotty about how calm he is either. He just is. That can be maddening. Really maddening. Murderously so. But I digress...

He is incredibly generous. Much more so than I. I try. But in the land of give it away, I fall pathetically short of Man. He would gladly give away his most precious possession if he knew it would make someone happy. He is just that way. I am a lot more selfish... This is why he completes me!

But more than completing me, Hubby gets me. He understands when I need pushed. He understands when I need to be left to my own devices and he knows instinctively when I should be allowed to spend money on just me. He truly gets me. I would love to say that that is reciprocated, and I do try... I fail a lot. But I try to get him too. My only hope is that he sincerely understands that no matter how much I mess it up, I love him more than I could have ever hoped.
I am blessed and I couldn't make it without my Hubby!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Hippo Birdies to me!

I have finally completed them! I am relieved and excited and so very happy they are done!

These are my invitations to my Birthday Anniversary Party. (What?? I really don't get this chick!) Let me explain before you hit that un-follow button... See, I decided last year, in the midst of a disastrous shopping trip for a new "I feel way younger than 40" dress for my celebration, that I would no longer age. I was mortified that I was caught shopping in the Juniors department for my new couture... None the less, I was trying to avoid the inevitable. So I flat decided this would be the last birthday I had. Not the last celebration - Absolutely not! I love a good party and I am after all Queen of Everything! So there would be parties! Just not aging. No more birthdays that make me feel old and irrelevant. I would gladly celebrate the anniversary of my 40th birthday for the rest of my days, but I am not aging past 40 years old!

So here it is! The first anniversary of my 40th birthday and I am ready to party! After all, I quit aging remember? Well, the invites are spectacular, aren't they?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Feels so gooooood!

You know when you have something hanging over your head and you just can't seem to catch a break to get it all done? I have been living under that Eeyore cloud for almost a full week now! It sucked! But I finally unraveled the tangled mess and sent out the billing after three days (yes, I said three) of tearing my hair out by the roots and one incredibly bad day where I thought I might actually pack all my undies and hit the road. I was serious. Sat in the car almost 5 minutes, contemplating the consequences... Decided if I did that, the billing would still be here waiting on me, even more tangled than before. Not an option. I pushed through!

Dramatic, I know. But it was that kind of epiphany moment when I realized (once again) that I cannot do it all! I want to do it all. That is the control freak in me that seems to think that only I have any skills at all, including driving the car. I have begun the insurmountable task of convincing Hubby that he too can drive kids to school and pick them up from the bus stop. I have to count on him more, and he on me less, if this endeavor is to succeed...

Now, to my illness that seems to kick in with the Grabbies when I try to let go. I think some of you out there will fully understand this sickness. I give it away, fully intending to let the chore of whatever I have deemed doable go to the person of my choosing. I then peek in on their progress... Bad idea! Because undoubtedly, the timeline isn't kicking right along, and I don't feel like it is where it needs to be... And I grab it right back and huff off into the sunset, muttering to myself about doing it all myself if I want it done right... Two months later, right back where I started!

Argh! But today, today is a good day. I am refreshed by completing the task I had looming over me. Refreshed enough to be creative to put the finishing touches on the birthday invitation piled in my card room. It won't take long, once I get it all in line. So I took just a moment to stop in and say hello!

I am hoping Monday will find me back at my blog project of the Things I Cannot Live Without. If it doesn't, I will try not to break out the flail, and just plan a little more me-time for the wee hours of the am!


New Pup is doing awesome, BTW. He is actually fitting right in. And a guilty little secret I have.... He only listens to me. Hee hee hee! He loves me best, and he is definitely not anyone else's dog. I love that. I am trying to share. But I love that Pogo chooses my lap first. He comes to me and bats at my hands when I am typing. He wants up on my lap while I work. I am in doggy heaven!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm baaa-aaack!

Well, sort of! I have a ton of work to do, so the projects and fun blogging have to hold for a day or so, but I just couldn't wait to share some good news!

I have a new dog! His name is Pogo and is a "rescue" of sorts. See, I filled out the application for National Mill Dog Rescue Network, knowing that I am a long shot because I do not have a fenced back yard. My mother has volunteered for them for over a year (might be shorter... I cannot remember!). I was lamenting the fact that breeders charge so much for their dogs and I didn't really want a show dog. I know I could have gone to the humane society, but you get no history with that kind of drop off. Mom told me about the possibility of getting an older dog with the NMDR, so I thought, what the heck... I'll give it a try!

Well, the lady who sets up the home checks had a personal dog that she felt needed a different environment. She is a computer geek (like me) and doesn't get out of the house much, and a Sheltie like Pogo needs lots of activity. She saw my application and figured she would gamble on giving me a quick picture and an email. I fell in love right away!

He came, he saw, he got along well with my other dog and he captured my kids' hearts! He even gets the thumbs up from the Hubby! He is a cuddler at night, entertains the kids in the am before school and seems to be doing really well in our home!

I just had to share a pic!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Wishcasting Wednesdays

Hmmmm.... What luxury do I wish for???

I don't know. I have the spanky new car... I live on a horse ranch... I eat regularly... A luxury?

Ok. Let's define luxury.
  • -great comfort: expensive high-quality surroundings, and the great comfort that they provide
  • - nonessential item: an item that is desirable but not essential, and often expensive or hard to get
  • - pleasurable self-indulgent activity: an activity that gives great pleasure, especially one only rarely indulged in

Hmmmm. That gives me no help.

A great comfort? I would love to have a new pup. I think I would find that comforting. And the price tag is rather large these days for one of those! The latest is a little boy Boston Terrier named Sterling for $1200. Hubby has no idea. He knows I may have found a pup, he DOES NOT KNOW HOW MUCH! So no telling him and getting his fur all fluffed up. I don't even know if I am ready for this adventure as yet... I think he would qualify as a luxury in those terms.

A non-essential item? How about a hot-tub? Oh wait! We have one! Hubby just hasn't made me a "FLAT-SPOT" to install it on! I guess that makes it a non-essential item, doesn't it? It is rapidly becoming a planter in our back yard! (Another one of those "free" items that you hope isn't going to become an eyesore... Ahem. Good luck with that!)

Pleasureable Self-Indulgent Activity? That is relatively easy... I would truly love to make it back to Jamaica for a week's vacation with the Man. We so seldom get to enjoy eachother, it truly feels luxurious when it happens...

I cannot cope without Sunshine!

Ah, yes... You guessed it! Winter is beginning to show it's grey bearded face around these parts! I don't know for how long, but it is enough to have me weepy and dreading the "hard" winter predicted in Colorado. There is an inconvenient truth in Colorado... We have only two seasons, cold and not cold. There will be no fall, no gently warming spring. There is only Cold and Not Cold. Furnace On, Furnace Off. Coat or No Coat. And so, in these darkening days, I struggle with the lack of Sunshine.

I think there are probably times I suffer with that S.A.D.-stuff. You know? The disorder that has to do with seasonal changes and the lack of sunny weather? I just can't stand it! I love the sunshine. Even more when it is missing from my part of the world. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that jazz...

I just love sunsets and sunrises. I enjoy the feeling of sunshine on my face and despite the utter lack of tanning ability, I revel in summer clothes and summer-like destinations. Part of the reason that I so look forward to Hubby's trip the Vegas every February/March. It rejuvenates me!
I cannot live without sunshine!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Random observations to begin a week...

  • While looking on a website for a Boston Terrier breeder (just trying to figure out what I would get, if I get anything...), Jewell blessed the venture. The only Boston Terrier breeder in Colorado is called Juwell Boston Terriers... Coincidence? I think not!
  • I found some pictures of Hubby loading hay in the early morning light with the moon behind him... Bliss! (Grainy, but bliss!)
  • We got our first snow today... Yes, September 21st produced snow! Ugh! I am not ready... I was just getting used to summer.
  • Girl simply amazes me with her pragmatic view of middle school. I find that incredibly comforting!
  • At the end of this week I will be heading to Louisiana to see my sister. (No one spill the beans, she doesn't know and she doesn't read my blog!) The Mother-Unit and I are surprising her by attending her baby shower down south... I am so excited!
  • I am excited to have the kids be able to spend some time with their paternal gramma. She has a houseful of folks that live with her and thus she doesn't get overnights with the kids very often anymore. I am looking forward to them reconnecting with her while I am gone to LA...
  • I finished my birthday party invitation in under 2 hours! They are spectacular and I will post pics after I mail them out - I don't want to spoil the surprise for those who read my blogginess....
  • With the arrival of the snow we traipsed into town and purchased the seasons new winter coats. Despite that, I am still not ready. After, to buck the season's changes, we went to Souper Salad for dinner! I will go down fighting!!!

And it begins....

Hello there... Yes, I am back. Still a bit weepy, but back, none the less. Jewell would be proud of me for moving on as I am sure she scarcely looked back when the beauty of the light called her home.... OK. Won't go there.

The last I wrote, I was going to start a new project. I think I settled on "Things I simply cannot live without," or something of the sort. So today, I am starting that and hoping that I don't simply bore you all to tears! (And if I do, there is that thingy that helps you remove me from your follow list... I'll try not to cry about your departure!)

I cannot live without laughter. Really. I realize that I have been morose and rather detached lately. It isn't really who I am. I LOVE to laugh. Those big, gut wrenching, breath stealing, tears streaming down your face guffaws that leave you spent in a heap when you finally regain your senses. I revel in laughter like that!

Hubby loves to laugh as well. He finds Larry the Cable Guy hilarious. (me? not quite as much...) I laugh at Hubby when he gets to laughing at Larry because he is simply so caught up in the moment that he turns this lovely shade of crimson and cannot catch his breath from laughing so hard. That cracks me up! Unless of course this particular event happens while Hubby is listening to Sirius radio in the car and Larry comes on... That can be a dangerous ride! I do not laugh then!

I love to laugh with my kids... They are hilarious at times! Their humor can be timely, subtle, toilet in nature and silly. Hearing them laugh is the most joyous sound I can think to have tinkling around in my tympanic. Just last Saturday, after watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, my daughter commented that that was 2 hours she will never get back... Cracked me up!

Boy can be seriously hilarious in his own right as well. When he was a mere two years old, he stomped authoritatively into my bedroom one Sunday morning while Hubby and I were still lounging in bed, enjoying the morning together. With his blankie slung over his shoulder and his pillow under his arm he announced he was ready for me to get out of bed and get him his cereal, NOW! Startled as I was, Hubby jumped to my defense and instructed Boy to spit in one hand and hope for breakfast in the other and see which one filled up first with that attitude. Boy paused at the doorway to our bedroom (as he clearly figured his demands would be met with no resistance what so ever), looked incredulously over his shoulder at his father and snorted, "What-EVER!" I thought I would roll out of bed laughing! (After Boy left the room, of course, so as not to teach him to be disrespectful. Look at that! I hear you laughing already!!!!!)

I think laughter can make things that are hard easier. For example, my lovely and recently departed dog, Jewel gave me the opportunity to laugh just before her death with the photo below. She just always loved her pillows and slept in any way she found comfortable at the time. This picture will be treasured for the laughter it brings me in a time of melancholy and longing.

It is much the same with human-type-folks that have passed on as well. I love the traditions of honoring our dead with wakes and celebrations that allow us to tell stories of those gone on that often evoke laughter and smiles. It is in this way that I hope to be remembered myself. I want people to gather to remember my laughter, remember what made me laugh and how I made them laugh. I want to leave laughter along with love when I go.

What makes you laugh?

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I am ready for a new project...

OK. I think we all know that I need something to distract me right now. Loosing a friend of 14 years makes one quite irrational and apt to make bad pet decisions. So in hopes of avoiding a disasterous adoption scenario involving rodents, too many cats or a hairless chihuahua, I am starting a new blog project....

I have things in my life that I am certain I cannot do without. It is a do or die world we live in and I am no exception, folks! I have a little list I intend to share of eleven items that make my world go round... Yeah, I know... eleven? Not very symmetrical is it? But that's me. Messy.

I've been trying to think of a clever name for the project.... Not very successful so far. Spud did something similar and with her coolio cameras did a spectacular job of it too! Don't expect that from me. Not worthy... :)

Thanks to all of you for being so very patient with me and my lack of posts these last few days... I am climbing out of the abyss. It does get incrementally better!

Monday, September 14, 2009

Its time... To let it go.

  • Let go of expectations that were never realistic anyway
  • Let go of the tears I have held back 'til now
  • Let go of the stress that is causing all those fun muscles in my neck to ball up and become unruly
  • Let go of baggage that was never mine to carry anyway
  • Let go with loud laughter at the Bubba cat... He can do that!
  • Let go of thinking I ever had any control of anything, ever
  • Let go of worrying where the next horse will come from
  • Let go and fly, fly, fly!

I hope that today, you too can let go! Know that I am right there with you!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

On the wings of angels...

She is gone. She came to me as a lovely round ball of fur with the teeniest of angelic wings... I loved her so dearly. She was mine and I was hers. I miss her so very much. Her quiet loveliness and her sighs as she lay on the floor near my bed are gone forever.

There just isn't anyway to say how much a friend like this means in my heart. She never judged me. She loved me unconditionally and she waited each day to walk with me, sit with me, live with me. To call her a pet seems so insulting. She was my friend. The truest kind of friend that simply cannot be matched in the human sphere. She loved my kids. She loved my other furry friends. She especially loved Hubby.

She didn't like large crowds, unless they were willing to throw the ball... Or the Frisbee... Or a rock, blade of grass or smallest of pebble... She was OCD that way. She did not like riding in the car. She loved the vet clinic. She was odd that way. All of the docs and vet techs who knew her loved her. She never bit anyone. Not even when she hurt. She just trusted her humans.

Loving her was easy. Letting her go is a tremendously difficult process.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Wishcasting Wednesdays: Deux

As seen here.... and here.... I just love an introspective challenge!

Today is Wishcasting Wednesday and I am asked, "What do I wish to learn?"

As we know from here, I love learning! And so does she... I think learning is the most incredible process and I am in awe of it every time I am allowed to watch it unfold in any situation. Learning is the basis of who we are, whether we recognize it, or not. We are learning every single moment of every day, and I love that! Bliss, as Christina would say!

I admire those who can distill their desire to learn down to one thing, even for just today... I am not quite that, ahem, distilled. (Unless you count the vodka - But no one counts the vodka, do they?) So my Wishcasting will come today in the form of a list.

  • I wish to learn to really forgive. Not just say I do, but forgive in my heart and not expect the offender to do it all over again and fear the Grudgy Greta temper tantrum.

  • I wish to learn to trust God with my provision. I do not do this well at all! I constantly try to figure out how to do it myself before I turn to God to allow Him to provide what I need. It always comes out better if I let Him do it... Wish I could learn to do that first.

  • I wish to learn more about writing and how to do that with eloquence and clarity. I absorb books as much as my schedule will allow and I read these wonderful blogs out there in the inter web. They are my largest inspiration. I find that awesome!

  • I wish to learn how to balance my incredible life schedule with all the desires I want to see come to fruition. I have a desire to do more, be more, give more... I only have so much time. I want to learn how to marry that to my schedule. Wouldn't that just change everything?

  • I wish to learn how to talk to my kids so that we can keep talking, even through those years that are traditionally difficult to get through. I want to be that mom that my children keep in the loop. That is so important to me! More than I can wrap words around...

What do you wish to learn today, tomorrow and for a lifetime?

Monday, September 7, 2009

I'd like some cheese with my whine...

  • When did my knee become one of those trick type? I am reticent to wear my excruciatingly cute heels knowing my knee is now "tricky"...
  • How did water suddenly become much more desirable than the sweet, sticky sodas I used to crave before I realized the high fructose corn syrups give me an asthma attack? It just tastes better.
  • At what point did life deal me that cruel card that looks suspiciously like the Old Maid? I don't feel like that wrinkled-y chick that keeps creeping into my mirror. She doesn't look at all like she could "bust a move!" (Maybe she'll just bust a knee?)
  • When is it safe to smack Hubby for being so damned crabby after I have waited two weeks to see his loveliness? Now? How about now? Wait... Now?
  • What happened to my sweet little girl and who the heck is the crab-fest that has shown up to replace her? Can I return the grump and trade in for a nice 3 year old? One without the attitude?
  • Did the same person who has abducted my Girl also take Boy who used to love me? I now have for my delight an eye-rolling, breath-huffing, foot-stomping rude-o. On order: one 6 year old with a penchant for skateboarding...
  • Who has snuck into my lovely home and left a disgusting smattering of dog hair, old homework and plastic grocery bags? Who does that kind of thing? Oh! The humanity!!!!

The view from a different office...

Once in a while I have to entertain the idea that I can be of help in the barn. Even with my asthma and allergies, I clean stalls to give our hired man a day off during the week when the crew is returning from a show. They are so beat down tired that they need to sleep a large portion of the next day which would put the hired man working without a day off and that simply isn't acceptable!

So... The Queen of Everything dons her barn attire and works from a different office, giving Trudy True Blue something to smile sweetly about.

Tools of the trade

The job's objective (ick)

Office mates to keep me company (Jewel is still with us!)

Duke, Rabbit Killer (Still holding a huge grudge...)

My client... And my new obsession with clouds.

Cleaning stalls gives me time to think... Maybe that's the reason I resist it so much. My over-analytical mind goes places it probably shouldn't. But truly, it stretches me. I do the physical part of the job almost without thinking (except for the blisters on my hands that are too used to indoor endeavors), but the mental issues that come with it are different.

I used to think that stall cleaning was a mindless, monotonous job. And I suppose, in some ways, it is. But if you have a mind like mine that likes to wander down rabbit trails, you can get a lot of that junk extra mental baggage out and onto the stall floor where it is swept up and into the bin for disposal. I get much of my aggression out and dealt with then... I also get that small still voice bull-horn voice of God telling me things I need to clean out of my wagon. Clarity. And not always in a good way.

All in all, I enjoyed my day yesterday... I left the barn tired, sore, blistered and covered in little red welts from feeding hay, but it was a good day. I think sometimes boiling life down to the simplest measure clears out the junk and allows us to breathe.

I am breathing today.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Bucket List Item #20: Contentment

Contentment. It means different things to different people. For some it means wealth. For others it means freedom. Still others find contentment in things. For me? Well, I am still working that out. And so, my last Bucket List Item....

I want to find contentment in my life and its amazing circumstances, varied as they are.

For me contentment doesn't look like anything in particular. It actually is a state of being. I have felt contentment on many occasions. I still do. I want that "feeling" to actually become a part of who I am. I want contentment to become a moniker that hangs around my neck and bleeds out around me, calming my world and spreading happiness and daisies - Oh, wait! I went a little wonky there...

I would like to have the presence of mind to realize when I am choosing discontent, rather than contentment. I do believe that it is a life choice, not something that lands on you like fairy dust. I have many of the same beliefs about love. I think choosing to behave in a certain manner is what makes us different from so many other life forms. We can choose to love past the passionate emotions, we can choose to forgive in dastardly circumstances, we can choose to remain calm during a disaster... I want to gain the habit of choosing contentment.

I want to look at my life, hectic as it is, and choose to view it in a state of contentment. Content that I have a home, content that I have food in the pantry, content that I have a beautiful and healthy family. I have so much to be thankful for, I just desire to choose contentment as my response.

So often I don't choose that response. So often I choose ambition, discontent, complaining. Not how I want to be remembered and not how I want my children to react to their world.

I could blame that response on my nationality: Americans tend toward discontent often, due in large part to that pesky "American Dream". I could blame it on my life circumstances and the choices I have made to this point... But mostly, I simply want to change those habits. I know I can. It is mine to choose.

I want to choose to be content with my life and all the wonderful blessings it holds!

* * * * * *

That's my little Bucket List of desires... What are yours? I'd love to read them!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Bucket List Item #19: Chinese Pug

chinese pug  - VoxEfxImage by √oхέƒx™ via Flickr

In lieu of all that is happening with Jewel, this almost feels like a betrayal... But it was on my list and I really do want to see it happen. Just not at the expense of my long time friend. I am sure she would understand, being the generous soul that she is...

I love little scrunched up, smooshed faces. The sweet sound of snoring that isn't Hubby's. The softness of their muzzles. The character in their little bug eyes.

When I was a kid, my mom had a Chinese pug we called Maxine. (Now that name brings to mind the grouchy cartoon lady...) She was just the most incredible dog. I loved her and she was funny and snorty and the most loving ball of fatness! We had to move and one night, in the process, she got lost. (I have absolutely no idea how, as I was pretty young.) Heartbreak ensued, but there simply was nothing that could be done about it. Years later and at least two moves later, Maxine showed back up at our door! Snorty and excited and completely responding to her name like she had never left! It was amazing! (Mom, if this is not how it went and there is something you feel you should tell me - DON'T! I want to live thinking this was how it went! LOL!)

Since then, I have wanted one of these amazing dogs. I want to experience what it is like to have a "lap" dog. We always have dogs, but they are larger breeds for working on the ranch. Aussies, Border Collies, and yes - Corgi's. I love my dogs. They have been incredible companions and they are so smart and helpful in what we do. But they are not allowed on the couch and they are not interested in sitting in my lap and getting loves. In fact, if you try to pick Miss Kitty up (she is our Pembroke Welsh Corgi), she will break into her impression of a Tasmanian Devil and threaten to tear your arm off... Not exactly cuddly!

Hubby is vehemently against this idea. Mostly, I am sure, because he doesn't want the dog to end up a pancake on the barn floor from being underfoot. Horses move fairly fast and that can be a detriment for a fat little pug-lette. Still, I want one.

I want a Chinese Pug puppy.
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Wishcasting Wednesdays

Read about this on the Fragrant Muse's blog... I just love you Liz! You inspire me to think outside my own little box and keep stretching!

Wishcasting for Sept 3... What do I wish to begin?

I wish to begin the healing process with a dead relationship. I am struggling over this. I want the person to be sorry. I want them to feel bad about what they did. They don't. But God is asking me to forgive and to heal.

I wish to begin my garden. (September is either really late for beginning this, or very early - I choose to think of it as early!)

I wish to begin really writing. Every day. Wait... I'm doing that!

I wish to begin gathering items to bring to my new niece... Isn't that a fun prospect?

I wish to begin inventing a machine that gives us all just a little more time! I know I would buy two!

Bucket List Item #18: Be published

I really enjoy what I do here. I dream. I kvetch. I make known my hopes for the future. And I guess, if you really wanted to, you could say that blogging is a form of being "published." I like that. I get to say what I want, and then sometimes I say something that someone else wants to know about. Very alluring to the Queen of Everything, don't you think?

I would like to hone this hobby, though. Make it mean something bigger. Don't know why. Really, that isn't the point is it - of blogging, that is? Blogging is simply saying what you want in a sort of "out loud" way that is very non-threatening. I don't have to receive rejection letters from someone saying they aren't interested, or that my skill is lacking. I can put it out there, comments or no, and I get to leave it there on the "page".

But we all know I cannot stop there.

I have counseled Girl about her writing. When she was once weeping in her bed about being the "weird girl", she and I had a conversation about dreams and what they might look like when they are first born and what it takes to get them to a grown up state. She was concerned about starting middle school and not being able to shuck the public opinion that she was odd. I tried to tell her being odd was actually a good thing. She simply rolled her eyes at me. Then I explained that I was odd... More eye rolling. But when I also explained that in order to fit in, I gave up some pretty important dreams I had, like writing books, her eyes actually quit bobbing about in her head and fixed on me. When she saw that I chucked my oddness for popularity that I never really found comfort in, she started really listening. (I relished it for a moment, knowing it cannot last...)

I hope that she realized that what I was saying was not that it wasn't difficult to be odd. It is. Horribly so. But it can be invaluable when you have big dreams. It means that you don't give up. It means that you are willing to look a little nutty in front of others in order to see that dream to fruition. It means you are willing to fail. Willing to fail over and over, until you succeed.

I was that weird girl too, my darling. I was that kid who just didn't fit in all the way. I still am. I still struggle to keep my head in the game and not check out when things get really hard to deal with. I squeeze my round-self into all kinds of square holes to make ends meet. That is what growing up teaches you. That is the burden of responsibility. But after all that squishing and squeezing, I also allow myself the ability to dream.

I dream of someday writing something that someone wants to publish into a for-real book. I am not a story teller, per se, but I do have stories to tell. I fear my skills as a wordsmith are terribly lacking. I often find my writing cumbersome and choppy, wandering down paths that are undeniably difficult to follow. I am sure some classes could help that... When I have time... (Would have been so much easier to have honed this dream than try to fit in where I really didn't belong!)

I hope that I can impress on my daughter to follow her dreams all the way to the end. To exhaust her desires until it becomes plain that there is another path she should take. I hope that if, by my blogging, she can see me pursue being the "weird-girl" she will find strength in her uniqueness, not a lack of confidence. That is my largest desire for her. My Girl with the big dreams of being a writer.

I want to be published. (excuse me, while I hit that "Publish Post" button! :) )

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